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Sneaking Around

The elephant in the room - married clients, ethics, and making sure you aren't busted

· Dear Clients

There's one kind of unspoken ethics issue in the sex industry, when you get down through the nitty gritty - we indirectly condone infidelity. Yes, we will argue until we're blue in the face to teach you that sex work should be decriminalised, to show you that trafficking and legal sex work are such completely different things, to tell you about all of our ethical information discretion policies... but we do help (mainly) men cheat. Well, let me soften this a little bit.

How many marriages have totally dead bedrooms? Whether that's due to past trauma, self images issues, a fizzled attraction, children killing your vibe, mismatched sex drives or preferences, health concerns, hormonal problems, or other uncommunicated issues, approximately 15 to 20% of couples are in a completely sexless marriage. On top of that number, you also have the couples that are in marriages where the sex is unsatisfactory; no firm statistics on this, but one survey said an enormous 70% of respondents were unsatisfied with their sex life within their marriage. Couple all of this with the current divorce rate (which is, of course, slightly skewed due to those who have multiple marriages and divorces), and you have some pretty depressing and unhealthy relationships out there. Most of these people really do love their spouses; they share a deep emotional connection with them, and have so much important to share in the relationship, but sex is still a really important aspect if you're not asexual. As one of my friends, whose husband suffers from a low sex drive, says: "Sex is only 20% of a successful marriage. But when it isn't there at all, it feels like it's 80%."

In an ideal world, these couples would be open to discussion about having some needs met elsewhere. Unfortunately, many people do not feel comfortable bringing this up with their spouses, or their spouses would not be alright with their partners being physically intimate with another person. So how do you keep your beautiful marriage together when one (or both) of you is so completely unsatisfied in the bedroom, and therapy has failed or been dismissed as an option? Enter: a paid professional. I've seen so many men who have told me that they love their wives so much, and would never leave them, but she is just not providing the one aspect they need - they've come to a sex worker because we can fix their problem with discretion and without becoming emotionally involved. An affair many times involves one or both parties coming down with a case of the feels, so having a paid no-strings-attached sexual partner who is eager for your whole appointment and who can explore all manner of fantasies with you is more than ideal. We aren't interested in judging your niche fetishes or body type, we always make sure we are well presented, we have no intention of bumping into you in public on purpose, being jealous of your wife, talking to your acquaintances, or telling anyone your secrets. Will a secret lover be as professional?

I'm not saying it's completely ethical, but I am saying it's the lesser of the alternative evils, and it may keep a family together who would otherwise be apart due to a sex drive issue. I also don't want to actively condone cheating - in an ideal world, couples could talk about all their issues with level heads and manage their jealousy appropriately when concessions must be made - this is not an ideal world. I have been in open relationships before, and we set rules that could be easily followed, but I know not all relationships are like that.

How do I avoid getting caught?

We really would prefer that our clandestine appointments with clients aren't the cause of a marriage implosion, so let me give you a few tips on how not to get busted, though it might feel awful to have to resort to sneaking around.

  1. A second phone or a discreet messaging service.
  2.  Your partner will probably answer messages for you and check your phone for random stuff they need in any healthy relationship. If you start getting defensive over your phone, they're going to suspect something is up! Since you won't be texting sex workers non-stop with chit chat (or, you shouldn't be), you can easily just keep that phone somewhere out of the way and constantly on mute or off when you don't need it. If a second phone would be a touch too obvious, WhatsApp has an option that can turn off notifications for new messages, as does Signal and Telegram. You can also hide these apps from your home screen. If you use your personal phone, delete previous messages, for the love of sex.
  3. A different email address.
  4.  Just remember not to be silly by using it on your home computer and leaving it logged in. Most workers will still require your phone number for screening purposes, and to contact you in the event that there's an extremely short notice issue, if you give your permission. Just specify that you want contact only through email, but note that any email enquiries will not get an immediate response, so plan accordingly and don't ask for last minute bookings this way, as it's likely you won't get one.
  5. Do your research.
  6.  All responsible clients consent to screening if their chosen escort asks for it (not all do, but we might still want your real name), and you should similarly "screen" the worker you wish to see. Not by asking her for her full name and face pictures, obviously! But by looking for multiple ads on different directories, asking to call and talk to her on the phone (if you haven't already), checking for reviews or commentary on punter websites (I am opposed to review culture, but explanation and blog later - I'm not opposed to the existence of reviews or client sites), checking for verified photos on directories, and looking for an active social media presence. Simply asking her to send you a verification image is going to get you blocked, unless she doesn't have the above things for you to check (she might be new, or simply not interested in advertising on multiple sites, and hates social media).
  7. Keep to a budget
  8. . If you go around spending money willy nilly, your spouse might notice. Choose sex workers within that budget, and decide how many times per month you will see them - much like any other luxury, time with sex workers needs to be budgeted for unless you're a millionaire without a nosy partner.
  9. Cash only, where possible

. Most of us only accept cash anyway, and since cash is untraceable, nothing obvious will show up on your bank statement. Deposits are often electronic, but here's a fun fact: not only are they very small amounts, but you can also put anything you like in the "name" field for an account, as long as the numbers are correct. Instead of "Sienna Charles", which is the name my account is under, you could just as easily write "Qantas" or "Gerald Smith" or "Optus". You can also withdraw cash and then deposit it at a Smart ATM directly to the account - again, untraceable.

  1. Sensible expectations.

 If you live in a smallish city where everyone knows you are married, don't request that your chosen escort accompany you to dinner at your favourite popular restaurant with her big fake tits on show in a tiny dress that screams "hooker". Perhaps a quiet restaurant, a corner table, corporate attire ("she's a business acquaintance," if anyone sees you), and conversation at a volume people won't overhear. Don't ask them to leave obvious marks on you. Be smart.

  1. Use protection.

 Especially if you still have occasional sex with your partner, but really just do it as often as possible to reduce the risk of STD transmission. A sure fire way to get caught is to come home with a script for Azithromycin for your chlamydia, or for your partner to have to get some brand new rash checked out by a doctor. Yes, you can get STIs from oral sex. Yes, many escorts offer uncovered blowjobs and some even bareback full service, that is their choice, but you can opt to use protection if you like. You should.

  1. Timing is important.

 You're going to shower afterwards, so you don't have obvious smells of perfume/sweat/sex all over you, but do you have an excuse for turning up home with damp hair? Make it a lunch date or a weekend date. Ride your bike into work and see the worker afterwards. See workers only on business trips outside of your own area.

  1. Choose sensible names for your covert social media/emails.

 People will find your second twitter account that follows only escorts. Also, please be original. One more "Dave" or "John" and I might scream. Try "Zeke", "Demarcus" or like "Prince Charles" or something. Don't be boring.

At the end of the day, sex workers exist to provide a service. We are not here to take you away from your spouse, and we understand you may have a need to be discreet. In our personal lives, the vast majority of us abhor cheating (and, by the way, cheating simply means breaking the rules of a relationship; if those rules say you can have sex with someone else but not form an emotional attachment, then having sex with someone who is not your partner is not cheating), but we cannot take responsibility for your choices, and nor would we have many clients if we chose not to see married ones. Your choices and the vast reasoning behind them is none of our business - all that matters in the moment is us.


Sexual and Relationship Therapy (journal): Sex starved marriages sweeping the US (2010)

Wikipedia: Sexless Marriage

The Journal of Sex Research: Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis (2001) - obviously the most important candidates to us in this study are those with partners.

The Journal of Sex Research : Sexually inactive marriages (1993)